so i went to the tigers game today, and going to today’s game prompted me to think about another one of those things that annoys me about spectators during baseball games: bird-of-prey vision which allows them to call balls and strikes from over 400 feet away, regardless of alcohol consumed in the last 3 hours.

so today, sitting row 10 in section 139 of comerica park (roughly 100 feet past 3rd base) i wasn’t surprised to sit behind two dudes, who happened to have such vision, and also a magical ability to BEND LIGHT. from where we were sitting, all one can tell is the height at which the pitch was when it crosses the plate. even then, the ball is so ridiculously small, i don’t even understand how they can even begin to say, “that pitch was close”

no, listen, you have no idea how close it is. arguing about balls and strikes as a spectator is like randomly walking into a hospital and telling the patients the doctors there are morons and they should listen to you instead. you’re 200 feet away. you’re not even allowed to do that typical male whistle when they’re typically disgusted, but don’t want to express it verbally. you know, the bomb dropping sound condensed into half a second, paired with a head shake.

its even worse when people are in the upper deck, behind home plate. its as if the elevation and the fact that you can “see” the entire field also gives you the ability to see through the umpire obstructing your view of home plate. or the ability to bend light.