escalators ruined america. there, i said it. ”but julius, what do you mean?” here, i’ll tell you.

  1. escalators created the obesity epidemic: with all the obesity issues hitting the united states, i blame the escalator for making fatness so prevalent in america. it’s estimated there are 90 billion trips on escalators in the u.s. each year. imagine is people walked up and down stairs those 90 billion times. the egyptians and mayans built pyramids made of stairs. what did america do? we built moving stairs to take us up and down a single flight of stairs (at least in europe, it’s rare to find a down escalator). the thing worse for the obesity epedimic is the “moving walkway” oh yeah, and diet coke.
  2. escalators breed laziness: nothing like standing on a set of stairs, when you could be walking up a set of stairs. god forbid you climb 20 feet. i think escalators are most prevalent in at the mall. and what american past time do we partake in? oh yes, the epic search for the closest parking spot. we waste time and gas looking for the closest spot, travelling up and down lanes, nearly always opting for the closest spot. so we save all that precious time, so we don’t get tired when we get to the mall. no worries, no stair climbing, you can catch your breath while standing on the escalator.
  3. escalators made americans dumb: the wikipedia page for escalators is interesting. it has fifteen listed safety features for escalators. some of them range from the very important “emergency stop button” to the completely retarded “anti-slide mechanism” (nothing more than a piece of metal) which prevents your baby from sliding down the smooth metallic side underneath the hand rail. listen, they wouldn’t have invented it, unless something happened, so, whoever hurt themselves by sticking their hand in between the steps is ridiculous. i’ve already proved that pants were unlikely the culprit for a lot of these safety items.
  4. made americans dumb part ii: anyone ever read the directions on an escalator? no? great. these people are here to help. the elevator escalator safety foundation. someone created a foundation for safe riding of escalators!!!! are you freaking crazy? get this…these people have the some suggestions for safe riding: 1) check the direction. you’re an idiot if you don’t check the direction. 2) pay attention. duh. i suppose escalators create a void in your brain where you suddenly stop paying attention when stepping on. i’ll argue that a brain fart occurs when you step off the escalator. i mean, at the mall, that’s where most women people decide to stop and talk to decide where to go next.

so escalators suck.