a musing julius…

in an interview on good morning america, president-elect barack obama discusses the issue of big 3 ceo’s flying corporate jets to washington. he says the CEOs were “a little tone deaf with what’s happening in america right now.”

really barack? really?

if i recall correctly, your boeing 757 described here is much larger and more luxurious than the fokker 70’s that the big 3 use to fly their ceo’s on business. in fact, the overhaul of your plane cost nearly $500,000, not to mention the leasing costs of such a plane.

see it’s about time right barack? you couldn’t afford to wait at airport security while on the campaign trail. during those two hours of security and sitting at the gate, you could be talking to people in ohio or pennsylvania. so why should CEO’s have to wait? do they not also have important business to conduct? why are you different? because you were running for president, it was okay?

their asking for a bailout is no different than you asking each and every american to donate to your campaign while you fly around the country in a private jet that rivals first class on all domestic airlines. i’ve flown first class, it doesn’t look anything like your plane. 

it’s all taxpayer money. but i guess because it was given to you freely means you can spend it however you want, right?

stop calling the kettle black.

those who know me will understand when i say i’m not a big costume person. clearly, a lot of people are. but when talking to my friend just this past thursday before halloween, she called me a halloween grinch (hopefully, in an affectionate manner) and it got me thinking…why do people dress up?

i think the main reason is it gives people the chance to be something they’re usually not. in fact, the morning radio show i listen to on the way to work discussed halloween as exactly that, a time to be something that you’re not. live out a dream or fantasy for a day. do something outrageous…

i’m of the opinion that if you have a dream or fantasy you want fulfilled, you should probably just do it. are you dressed up as indiana jones…then you probably should have chosen a degree in spelunking and anthropology. decided to dress up as maverick from top gun…maybe you should have gone to aviation school. seriously, why dress up as something like a doctor or pilot or a president when you could have gone and DONE those things. do some outrageous once a year, but leave the other 364 days to your fairly benign life dressing up as…yourself, like the 3 layered pastel-colored collar-popped polo shirts with a sweet set of $5 aviators.

obviously, my theory explodes when the dude dressed up as a banana shows up to your halloween party. or the 22-year old dude dressed up in an 8-year old’s pajamas (which was a sweet costume by the way.) if you’re gonna dress up, why not dress up as something impossible to be, like the girl dressed up as an angel with her hand down some dude’s pants on the dance floor at the bar, or the girl dressed as a bumblebee (whom i coincidentally fell in love with multiple times when the whole idea wasn’t ruined by the image of a girl from the blind melon music video)

anyway i probably won’t dress up until i can think of something as creative as the guy that walked in with a lampshade on his head and table around his waste. he was a “one night stand.” rocked my face off.

here are some helpful fashion tips for men and women coming from america to germany to help with cultural acclimation.

• men’s shorts should be no longer than 3 inches above the knee.
• sandals and socks: not only accepted, but preferred!
• capri pants are generally not worn by women, but usually by men (in case they want longer shorts)
• dress shirt, tie, and spandex bike shorts are considered casual “going out” attire
• popped collar rules are still considered a large negative indicative of a “tool”
• walking with a german flag anywhere on your body at any time is acceptable and usually greeted with enthusiastic shouts of nationalism.
• shirts that have the name of an american city or university that are usually considered “the sign of a tourist” are actually cool in germany cause it means you’ve been to or spent time in america.
• short sleeve button up shifts are the sign of a very sporting and active person.
• north face here means what it means everywhere else: you rarely spend time in the sub-arctic circle, but you’d like to think that if you somehow found yourself there, you’d be well prepared with your matching north face shirt, backpack and fleece.

hopefully these tips will help you out on your next adventure to……spaaaaaaaaaaaace (or germany)

if there’s one thing detroit doesn’t lack, it’s loud car stereos. i have the privilege of living on the main street in detroit, just 2 blocks from many consider to be the heart of downtown detroit, and 1 block from 2 of the busiest nights clubs in the city. for me, the party actually starts at 2:30am, when these clubs finally get people out the door. that’s when “cruising” becomes the center of the party.

a few dozen caprice classics, oldsmobiles and crown vics with 22 inch dubs and blacked out windows contain anywhere between 2 and 6 gentleman, headed home from a night of partying.

what i’ve learned in the world of post closing time detroit, that it’s not the size of your dick that determines how manly you are, but the size of your sub, and if your stereo is capable of waking the 800 people that live near the two night clubs.

i was educated last night, as i returned from a poker game in the suburbs, that “whipping it out” in post closing time detroit, is the same as cranking your car stereo. if a posse rolls up in a delta 88, and you’re chilling in your crown vic, and you don’t like each other, the requisite action is to crank your car stereo. see 3 attractive women walking to their car? easy; hoot and holler, and crank that shit. the louder, the more impressed they are. to date, my experiences observing the hoot-and-holler-then-turn-that-shit-up-to-11 method of attracting women has not worked, or maybe, everyone i’ve seen attempt the maneuver, simply can’t cut it to the other, more powerful car stereos that are out there.

i just know, the next time i’m out driving, and need to settle a dispute with the driver next to me, i’ll promptly lower my windows, and crank my stereo up. now…where’s my yanni album?

as i listen to the new justin timberlake and madonna sing their new song, “4 minutes” i wonder exactly what they’re singing about.

if i had 4 minutes to save the world, what the hell would i do?

here’s what i’m thinking. in order to save the world, i’d have to be fighting some catastrophic event. then i get to thinking what kind of events would end the world. so i list things that could cataclysmically end the world in such a manner where 4 minutes is all the time you could muster to save it. here’s my initial list:

1. the sun explodes (one could argue if this happened, we’d know in about 6 and a half minutes, and would have no warning. let us suspend belief and just say we knew about 2-3 minutes after the sun exploded, that we’d have 4 minutes)
2. the earth explodes
3. a giant meteor is discovered just in time (about 4 minutes) before it crashes to earth
4. chuck norris punches roundhouse kicks the earth into the sun. (he’s gentle this time, so it take 4 minutes for the earth to reach the sun. normally, 12 seconds.)

i get to thinking, if any of that shit actually happens…i’m probably gonna busy and won’t have 4 minutes to save the world. neither do madonna or justin timberlake. they’re probably going to be busy being too attractive and cool to save the world.

so back to the original question. if i had 4 minutes to save the world, i’d probably find the hottest girl i could in a 2 minute radius, spend 1 minute telling her that we should probably make out for the last minute of our lives because chuck norris is going to roundhouse kick the earth into the sun, and then i’d make out with her.

so i don’t really save the world. but neither does justin timberlake. and at least i tried.

so i’ve seen this this aveeno commercial on the tv nearly a dozen times. it starts of showing some woman (she’s probably 25 acting like she’s 55 and has wrinkles) and how she’s got “lines” on her face and she needs something to help her out.

so the commercial starts to tout the benefits of natural botanicals, wheat and shiitake. never paid much attention to that until this morning. then i thought, why in the hell would a woman put FUNGUS on her face. i mean, fungus is pretty delicious in some forms. i like mushrooms; they’re tasty to eat. but NOT to put on my face!

that got me thinking, of all the other ridiculous things that women are willing to put on their faces just for a reduction in the “appearance of wrinkles.” seriously, if aveeno has its way, we’re gonna start seeing avocado-lemongrass face lotion with cashew shell exfoliant. or crocodile skin extract with spinach leaf and coriander seed.

come to think of it, i bet i could make boatloads of money creating and selling this stuff.

the michigan deposit law is the stupidest and most idiotic law ever. for those unaware, michigan charges a 10 cent deposit for “beverage containers” (glass, paper, airtight metallic containers, or plastic with a volume of less than 1 gallon) that contain a “beverage” (which is defined as any non-alcoholic carbonated drink, or beer, ale, carbonated malt beverages or mixed wine or spirit drinks.) 11 other states have enacted similar laws.

the reason the law was enacted was two reasons:

1. michigan’s recycling rates dropped below many states in the country
2. michigan’s litter rate was increasing rapidly 

based on MDOT evidence, the michigan litter rate along major roadways did infact drop, from 200+ containers per mile to 45 containers per mile. but the recycling bit…here are some fun facts.

1. the michigan law does not require bottlers to recycle the beverage containers that they collect. only that they must collect them from retailers that collect bottles from consumers.
2. michigan does not collect statistics on beverage container return rates. it only measures the amount of money collected and paid out by the treasury. sadly, this also means fraud calculations are not included in any of the published numbers paid out by the state for bottle deposits. however, research by the state of michigan estimates fraud on returning out of state beverage containers reaches 50-150 million containers a year. that’s $5-15 million in cash paid out by the state.

michigan’s own research shows that each container under the bottle bill law has a financial impact of $0.025 per container. no bottle bill has a financial impact of $0.001. that’s a savings, based on michigan data of close to $90 million a year split between retailers, bottlers, distributers and the state. the bottle law itself, well, that generates, on average of the 16 years of data i see, the state collects an average of just $12 million for use by the treasury!

another unintended consequence of the bottle deposit law is that curbside recycling has dwindled in michigan communities…which does not help with recycling other plastics and papers not covered by the law. personally, i also feel that homelessness rates are higher in areas that have bottle deposit laws. sadly, no educational papers have been written on the subject, but there have been papers written about low-income families supplementing their income using bottle deposit laws by collecting beverage containers.

here’s my fix:

1. get rid of the deposit law. it’s stupid! the recycling statistics were taken in the late 70’s, when the environment was of no concern to americans. now, it’s cool to be environmentally friendly, and our recycling statistics could rival those of states without deposit laws. 
2. use the $100 million saved each year ($90 million cost of the bottle program per year, plus $10 million paid out to fraudlent redeemers) and provide tax incentives to retailers and bottlers to implement an improved recycling programs and infrastructure in michigan communities.
3. ensure that curbside collections are indeed being recycled (something that is NOT currently required by the michigan bottle deposit law)
4. impose heavy fines on those that litter and offer rewards to anyone that reports littering or dumping.

quick fix, save the state money, improve the environment, save the average michigan household $25 a year, while saving the state, retailers, distributers and bottlers millions per year, which can go to create new jobs, something michigan so desperately needs.

i roamed the detroit autoshow yesterday, as i do each and every year…examining not my current employer’s line-up of vehicles, but more of the competition’s line-up.

the luxury marque brands, like maserati, lamborghini, bentley, rolls-royce, etc. usually hire tall leggy models in very skimpy dresses that stand next to their vehicles, doing nothing but smiling for the camera, and tilting their heads in a robotic blonde-like manner. these stands attract only the finest of male specimens, with fancy abercrombie shirts, collar popped, backwards baseball cap, and a set of jeans that came with a $25 “worn-look” option. some wore flip-flops, even though it was 7 degrees in detroit yesterday.

lamborghini’s stand was surrounded by these 20-something males, cameras extended at arms length above their heads, straining to take a picture of this car, with the model. frankly, i’m not interested in these cars. chances are, i’ll never be able to afford one, but i’ve sat in some, and driven others. they’re great machines…i wouldn’t mind a alfa romeo 8c competizione. but other than that, i don’t really care for a picture of these cars. i don’t understand why some men desire these photos. frankly, if you actually went to a dealer, they’ll (gasp!) let you sit in them.

if i want a picture, it’s of the CAR, not of the GIRL. i actually saw some guys asking for pictures with just the models at these stands, posing with these women they’ll never date, behind a car they’ll never own.

i guess the autoshow presents a fantasy for some of these guys. i suppose i’m not that interested in these cars, cause i read about or see them everyday. but if i really really wanted a picture of these cars, because they’re unique or rare, i’d ask the model to step away. she’s ruining the photo.

the venerable tube sock. oh, how wonderful you are. you bring odor protection and moisture absorbtion to millions of american men and women every day. you are cheap, come in packs of 6, 12 and 30 (just like beer) and your favorite brands can be purchased right next to your favorite set of craftsman tools near the check out aisle at sears.

i’ve already admonished men for their stupidity in wearing pants that are too short and i felt that was my largest pet peeve when it came to men dressing themselves. however, i’ve found the newest issue: the tube sock and dress shoes.

guys…white tube socks are for tennis shoes, running shoes, gym shoes (if you’re still 6) or for lounging around your house. they are NOT for anything else! i cannot tell you how frustrating it is to see you walking with your dark khaki pants that are ridiculously short, and seeing your white tube socks go into your brown dockers. when did you think that was okay? how?

rule of thumb: if your shoes aren’t tennis shoes, walking shoes, running shoes, or gym shoes, you shouldn’t be wearing tube socks. i swear this cannot be difficult. hell, since you need real simple rules, since dressing seems to be beyond many of you…if you’re going to work, just wear black socks. i don’t care if you’re wearing brown shoes or pants or whatever, just don’t wear tube socks.

i ensure i’ll go to work tomorrow and see at least 3 people wearing wing tip shoes, with tube socks and dark pants. nothing like seeing that each day.

fine china pisses me off. what’s the point? use these criteria to determine if you or someone you know has fine china. answering yes to just one of these means you have reason to use your plates as temporary frisbees.

1. plates and cups have a silver or gold rim: louis the fourteenth couldn’t have envisioned a finer set of dishes from the local mikasa outlet store. he’s also dead, but at least he could afford plates made of SOLID gold and silver.
2. it’s only used twice a year: christmas. easter. (if you’re not into jesus, you probably use your fine china at least once during december and once some other time) 
3. they can only be used in the dining room table: surprisingly, the dining room is also used just twice a year. the other 363 days a year, it serves as the mail room.
4. displayed prominently: perhaps in a credenza, or on many plate stands. bonus: dedicated lighting to shine on your china, reflecting the beautiful gold rim which reflects a yellow hue onto your mail.
5. passed on from generation to generation: grandma would be heartbroken if the china she gave you wasn’t used the two times a year she comes to visit (christmas and easter, naturally)
6. they have gawdy flower patterns: there’s nothing like eating christmas dinner on a plate filled with flowers, which is likely on a tablecloth also decorated with flowers.

i’m going to go break some plates.