in september of 1997, my parents and i, and a group of 7 other family friends, went to see the rolling stones on the bridges to babylon tour at soldier field in chicago. problem was, we didn’t have tickets to the concert.

so we travelled downtown and wandered outside of the stadium, asking scalpers if they had 10 tickets together. what? this was the launch date for the tour (the canadian venue and double door concerts were part of a beer company promotion for surprise concerts in small venues) the soldier field dates were the two opening dates of the major north american tour!! we tried for an hour to get tickets. it was impossible. we were crazy to think we could get tickets.

out of the blue, my dad’s friend andy suggested we get on one of his client’s boats at burnam harbor, and watch listen to the concert. great. what none of us knew, was the boat was not really a boat. it was a 72 foot yacht. so we walked from soldier field to burnam harbor, and arrived at a gated door, which my father promptly jumped and climbed to open so we could get to this boat.

so, the 10 of us, boarded this yacht, and as night fell, the concert started at soldier field. listening from the top of this yacht, was not enough for my parents and friends. so…on a 72 foot yacht, that wasn’t ours, my dad and another guy undocked this boat, and drove it out onto lake michigan. problem is, no one really knew how to operate the boat…and most everyone was drunk. matt, one of my dad’s friends, had brought a bottle of johnny walker with him to the concert, which he consumed in the hour it took us to decide to steal this boat.

meanwhile, the others found the bar on this yacht, which contained thousands of dollars worth of rare wine and champagne*, which my parents and their friends quickly consumed. i wandered the boat, curious what the heck i was doing there, while my parents friends got drunk, my dad drove a 72 foot yacht, and matt was on the top deck of the boat, throwing the furniture off the top of the boat into lake michigan. i opted to stay with matt, as the massive amount of whiskey he drank, and the physical exertion of throwing all the furniture off this boat made him tired and, well, stupid. i held onto his belt, as he puked over the edge of the boat, ensuring we wouldn’t lose him to the lake.

the concert we came to see became secondary to acquiring more alcohol. so the boat was driven to navy pier, where we pulled up and my dad asked me to follow him to the bar, where he bought 20 margaritas, and expected me to carry some of the boat. the bar was prepared, and gave my dad two trays to carry the drinks in plastic cups. i carried one tray back to the boat.

everyone continued drinking, matt kept puking, and i laid on the top deck of this boat, hoping we would go home soon. so here’s me, a 14 year old accomplice to a grand theft boat, making the best of my evening. eventually, the concert ended, the party on the boat didn’t, but it was time to return the boat we stole. at 3am.

upon returning to the harbor, henry, one of the operators that decided he knew best on how to park the behemoth of a boat, managed to damage one of the transmissions on one of the engines. it was here, at 14, i learned it’s impossible to park a 72 foot yacht without 2 engines. so myself, my dad, and 3 other males, all completely drunk except for me, thought it best to pull the boat into dock. so we’re pulling, henry is reving the engines on full throttle in harbor, ramming the end of the boat into the dock. slowly, i noticed lights were turning on in other boats. people started to gather. sober-er people joined in the struggle to park this boat. questions were asked. obviously people knew we weren’t the owners. matt slept on the dock in the fetal position, exhausted from his furniture removal.

my mom drove home, as she was most sober and i couldn’t drive at 14. we dropped matt at home. by dropped, we mean we carried him to the front door, and rang the doorbell and drove away, leaving him to his wife’s wrath. the next morning, the police called our house. my dad answered, claiming we were at the rolling stones concert. i was the only person that could remember the first song of the night. that was the only song we heard.

to this day, i still claim it was the best concert i’ve never been too.

*later, we learned one of the bottles they drank cost $1500